Guess It's Time to Get Out in the Sun

"If we were any whiter, we'd be clear."

FDA Approved?

"I'm gonna start bleaching meat and telling you it's chicken to trick you into eating frollicking forest critters."

Sentimental Birthday Cards

me: Did you pick the card out or did your mom?

him: Mom. You'll know if it's me because it will have something odd like a dog bowl and a tomato.

Ms. New Booty

me: "Big Booty Hoes" just came on.
him: Aw. That's your jam.

Breakfast of Champions?

"Have you been eating whiteout again?"

What a Tender Moment

him: How are you?
me: Ok. Just grouchy. You?
him: Glad I'm several states away from your grouchy ass.

It's a Celebration

"I'm only getting you wine for Christmas."

Brownish Jeans

him: The first time I met you, you were wearing all brown.
me: No I wasn't. I was wearing jeans.
him: They were brownish jeans.

Manatees

me: I just had lunch with my mentees.
him: Your manatees?

Love Letters

me: Yea, so my students keep sneaking into my room and writing love notes on the chalkboard and signing your name at the bottom.
him: Man, I hope I can take credit for them....How do you know I didn't make them do it?

"Good!" Would Have Been an Acceptable Answer

me: How was your day?
him: I slept, had a burger, pooed and now am chewing gum.

He is No Longer Allowed to Help Register for Things

me: What colors do you think for the bathroom?
him: Brown and yellow. Less to clean up.

Acting Your Age is Overrated

me: I ate broccoli and green beans.
him: Where are your carrots?
me: If we have carrots I will eat one. Only one. And only if they are baby carrots.
him: Great, I'm marrying a four year old.

Guess I Gotta Be the Normal One

"Since when do you come up with crazy ideas? I feel like you're moving in on my turf."

Ponies and Hookers

him: What are you gonna tell [your niece] if I get whacked [during my tour overseas]?
me: I'm gonna tell her you went to a nice farm with lots of ponies and nice girls.

......ten minutes later...........

him: I really like the sounds of a farm full of ponies and hookers.
me: I made that farm up, don't try to go there.
him: Too late, already driving.