Manatees

me: I just had lunch with my mentees.
him: Your manatees?

Love Letters

me: Yea, so my students keep sneaking into my room and writing love notes on the chalkboard and signing your name at the bottom.
him: Man, I hope I can take credit for them....How do you know I didn't make them do it?

"Good!" Would Have Been an Acceptable Answer

me: How was your day?
him: I slept, had a burger, pooed and now am chewing gum.

He is No Longer Allowed to Help Register for Things

me: What colors do you think for the bathroom?
him: Brown and yellow. Less to clean up.

Acting Your Age is Overrated

me: I ate broccoli and green beans.
him: Where are your carrots?
me: If we have carrots I will eat one. Only one. And only if they are baby carrots.
him: Great, I'm marrying a four year old.

Guess I Gotta Be the Normal One

"Since when do you come up with crazy ideas? I feel like you're moving in on my turf."

Ponies and Hookers

him: What are you gonna tell [your niece] if I get whacked [during my tour overseas]?
me: I'm gonna tell her you went to a nice farm with lots of ponies and nice girls.

......ten minutes later...........

him: I really like the sounds of a farm full of ponies and hookers.
me: I made that farm up, don't try to go there.
him: Too late, already driving.