Home Decorating 101

me: What do you need the glue gun for?
him: I'm personalizing my man room.

He Just Doesn't Appreciate My Moves

"If you keep dancing like that I think I'll leave you at Applebee's."

We're Not In Kansas Any More....

"Well, I guess the dog is either safe at the vets or the whole thing got torn down and he's off on the yellow brick road by now."

Should I Send in An Audition Tape for Hoarders Now?

him: Why do you already have an egg coloring kit?
me: This one has glitter in it. I didn't want them to run out.
him: That's how I know you're going to be a hoarder.
me: ......it has glitter in it....

Priorities

him: "Can you check the news and see what's going on with the budget?
me: Hang on, let me get my cheese fries out first
him: Don't you think whether or not I'm getting paid is more important than cheese fries?
me:.....Nope.

My Alter Ego

me: I'm sorry you had dreams of me being a psycho hose bease...dream me sucks!
him: Yea, but she's still easier to explain than drunk you singing about granite.

He's Supportive

"Man, I wish I was there when gross things happen to you."

Every Day is April Fool's Day!

"Hey, I'm only marrying you so I can put plastic wrap on the toilet seat...just think, a girl I can tease to my heart's delight and she can't leave cause she's marrried to me."

Party Pooper

me: I was so excited to spend my bday with you and you came back and popped my bubble.
him: Oh I'm gonna be there to wreck it.
me: Wreck what? My bday? My bubble?
him: Just everything. First the bubble. Then your credit. Then your chances of election to public office. Then your bday.

Reckless Endangerment

me: Ahhh, I almost ran over a bunny.
him: What did I tell you about driving through the pet store?

Mind Games

me: You want a tally for that?
him: Yea, unless you learned how to set birds on fire with your mind.....that would be a cool tally too.

Football Bat

me: Man, life's weird.
him: What's weird about it? I'll tell you what's weird....a football bat. Strangest thing ever.

Strangers

"Why must you assume I know so much about you? We just met."

Strong Enough For a Man, pH Balanced For a Woman

me: Dude, sweaty armpits isn't something I can control.
him: Just cover yourself generously with baby powder....... Did you try anti-persperant? Or amputation?

Dog Poop

him: I'm going to put a flaming bag of dog poop on your front porch.
me:.....uh, we're going to have the same front porch.
him: Good. I won't have to walk as far.