True Love

me: i'm going to start hanging out with people who are nice to me.
him: well then who would be my girlfriend?
me: i'm sure you could find someone to make fun of.
him: but you're the best
me: at being made fun of?
him: and at being my soulmate
me: aww i'm your soulmate?
him: you and jesus

What a Catch

me: how'd i luck out with you?
him: ....low standards?

Eggs

him: we should make eggs for breakfast.
me: i don't like eggs. but i'll still make them for you.
him: NO. you can't make eggs without love.

Another Reason a Balanced Diet is Important

On my being a picky eater:

"You know, I don't actually want to cheat on you but I think I want to make dinner for someone some day...with, you know, like a nice cobb salad or something."

Should Have Learned After the "Booyah"

me: I miss you.
him: Awwww. I miss me too.

Till Death Do Us Part

him: "Will you stand up for me when I'm your idiot husband?"

Baby Daddy

him: I'm pregnant.
me: We're rich!
him: How?
me: Pregnant man? I'm definitely selling the story to Oprah.
him: You will not be getting custody of the kids.

What's in a Name?

him: "If I have a daughter, I'm going to name her Amber."
me: "I don't like that name."
him: "Well her middle name will be 'the hulk'."

I Should Invest in a Snuggie

I woke up one night freezing, with goosebumps and teeth chattering and all that. This is the conversation that followed:

him: Are you cold?
me: I'm freezing.
him: Aw. Ok....now stay. (rolls over to the other side of the bed)

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder....

me: I miss you.
him: BOOYAH!