I Don't Think This Is What Eurythmics Had In Mind...

me: Night, sweet dreams.
him: Night. And I hope you have nightmares.

Guess It's Time to Get Out in the Sun

"If we were any whiter, we'd be clear."

FDA Approved?

"I'm gonna start bleaching meat and telling you it's chicken to trick you into eating frollicking forest critters."

Sentimental Birthday Cards

me: Did you pick the card out or did your mom?

him: Mom. You'll know if it's me because it will have something odd like a dog bowl and a tomato.

Ms. New Booty

me: "Big Booty Hoes" just came on.
him: Aw. That's your jam.

Breakfast of Champions?

"Have you been eating whiteout again?"

What a Tender Moment

him: How are you?
me: Ok. Just grouchy. You?
him: Glad I'm several states away from your grouchy ass.

It's a Celebration

"I'm only getting you wine for Christmas."

Brownish Jeans

him: The first time I met you, you were wearing all brown.
me: No I wasn't. I was wearing jeans.
him: They were brownish jeans.

Manatees

me: I just had lunch with my mentees.
him: Your manatees?

Love Letters

me: Yea, so my students keep sneaking into my room and writing love notes on the chalkboard and signing your name at the bottom.
him: Man, I hope I can take credit for them....How do you know I didn't make them do it?

"Good!" Would Have Been an Acceptable Answer

me: How was your day?
him: I slept, had a burger, pooed and now am chewing gum.

He is No Longer Allowed to Help Register for Things

me: What colors do you think for the bathroom?
him: Brown and yellow. Less to clean up.

Acting Your Age is Overrated

me: I ate broccoli and green beans.
him: Where are your carrots?
me: If we have carrots I will eat one. Only one. And only if they are baby carrots.
him: Great, I'm marrying a four year old.

Guess I Gotta Be the Normal One

"Since when do you come up with crazy ideas? I feel like you're moving in on my turf."

Ponies and Hookers

him: What are you gonna tell [your niece] if I get whacked [during my tour overseas]?
me: I'm gonna tell her you went to a nice farm with lots of ponies and nice girls.

......ten minutes later...........

him: I really like the sounds of a farm full of ponies and hookers.
me: I made that farm up, don't try to go there.
him: Too late, already driving.

He is Creative, I'll Give Him That

"Can my ring be made out of barbed wire since I'm such a badass?"

I Don't Think We're On the Same Page Here

him: So yea, let me know if you like the 1/2 karat or 1 karat better.

......the next day.......

me: I like the 1 karat better.
him: Ok. I like Pepsi better.

The Man Cake

me: I got someone to do our cake for us.
him: Will it be nacho flavored?

I Get to Name the Children...

"I've thought of another way we could name our kids. I'll watch Nascar and whatever logos I can read on the cars is what we can name them. Like...I don't know...Penzoil Tide."

'Til Beards Do Us Part

"I wanna grow a beard. You should get one too."

I'm a Barbie Girl...

me: Help me pick out colors while you're up here so you don't end up with a house full of hot pink.
him: Yay, I'm marrying Barbie.

Bed Bath and Waaaaaay Beyond

"Can we register at Guns and Ammo?"

He Has a Future as a Wedding Planner

me: Sweet, let's have a prairie dog themed wedding.
him: Babe, we are having a pirate theme.
me: Can I dress as a mermaid?
him. A pirate mermaid.

Life is in the Little Things

"Holy shit! They still sell ZOOBooks."

My Little Irish Ponies

me: I'm just laying on the beach pretending to get tan.
him: You CAN tan! You can do it my little Irish pony!

Stiff Competition

him: What are you doing?
me: Ohhhh just talking to this stud muffin.
him: Oh great. Now I have to compete with a muffin.

Laundry Day

me: Shoulda brought your laundry over yesterday, I did everyone else's.
him: Mine's real stinky.
me: Eh, I'd still do it.
him: I'm putting that in the vows...to have, to hold, to wash.

Who Knew Jackass Was a Term of Endearment??

me: I miss you!
him: Well I love you....beat that, jackass.

You Can't Argue Good Logic

him: You perv.
me: You're a much bigger perv than I am.
him: Only because I'm taller and weigh more.

Urban Legends

him: I hear if you send me naked pictures, it'll stop raining.
me: Nah, that's just an urban legend.
him: Try it. You can be a mythbuster.

Missing in Action

"I hope you're not dead. That would suck."

Classy

"I want you in nothing but high heels and too much makeup....with your hair in a beehive."

Whitewater Rafting

me: Yea, and then the guide pushed me out of the raft into the river!
him: That's where you belong.

King of the Jungle

me: Roar!
him: Roar?
me: I'm a lion.
him: A gay lion?

Sweet Nothings

me: Wait...I'm confused...What?
him: Bimbo.

Snuggling With Bears

him: I want a pet giraffe.
me: Well if you get a giraffe I am totally getting my pet black bear.
him: Giraffes aren't vicious.
me: My bear won't be either. I'm going to train it to snuggle.
him: I'm not helping you when it tries to eat you.

At Least I'm Good For Something

me: I'd rather be there right now though.
him: Yea. Me too. I need someone to do my laundry.

On New Hampshire Weather:

"You crazy arctic folk."

The Few and the Proud

"I think I sweat straight beer."

I Want my Baby Back, Baby Back, Baby Back

"I found potato chips that taste like barbecue ribs. You might need to move over. I'm in love."

I'm a Terrible Muse

"What did I tell you about stifling my creativity?"

And IIIIIIIIII Will Alwaaaaaays Love Youuuuuu

me: I'll be sure to drunk dial you and confess my love.
him: I think I'll let that one go to voicemail.

There Go My American Idol Dreams

"You know I can't really tell that you're singing. It seems more like your brain popped a fuse."

I Hope He's Drunk....

11:28: Guess I better bump it up a notch.
me: Bump what up?
11:35: Not guch.
11:43: Jack?
11:54: Arunk.

It's the New Spooning

"I'm a butt-snuggler."

I thought about adding more of a context to this one but it's just so much funnier on its own. :)

Alternative Heat Sources

me: I'm cold!
him: You should go stand in the sun. Maybe you're solar-powered.

Bun in the Oven

him: If you get pregnant will you wear a shirt that says "bun in the oven"?
me: Sure. Will you hang out with me when I'm wearing that shirt?
him: Nope.

Welcome to North Carolina?

"I think I'm going to get a tramp stamp."

Men's Fashion

him: I think I should start dressing better.
me: Want me to start dressing you?
him: No way. I don't want to be wearing any banana hammocks.

Really....I Should Stop Setting Myself Up

me: I love you.
him: Eh, you're not so bad yourself.

The Cheetipede.

"Wouldn't it be great if you could combine a cheetah with a centipede? That would be a lot of really fast legs."

He's So Sensitive.

"Ok, ok...I'll stop picking on short people before one of you nibbles my knees off."

Every Girl Needs a Guy to Stand Up For Her..........

"Hey man! Don't fart on my girlfriend.......that's my job."

Montpelier

"Yea, we're in Mountpeeler. Mopelier. Motorcycle?"

Ich will Dich zurück!

"Have fun in Germany.....don't sit on any schnitzel."

So What Am I So Afraid Of?

me: I love you.
him: I think I love you too.....juuuust kidding, I do love you.
me: Oh yea?
him: ...Sure.

Too-Skinny Girls

"She looks like a tuning fork. I want to feed her some bacon."

Terms of Endearment

me: good morning!
him: good morning, butthead.

Chocolate Chip Banana Granola Pear Skittle Pancakes??

After the initial conversation....

me: Fine, you can make the pancakes your way.
him: With granola in them??
him: And pears.
him: Skittles?
me. Ok now you are just getting carried away.

Chocolate Chip Banana Pancakes

him: You modified my recipe.
me: I just don't want my chocolate chips and bananas mixing!
him: Why must you segregate?

Ouch??

me: How are you?
him: Ok. Watching Meet the Spartans.
me: How is it?
him: Retarded. You would love it.

Totally Uncalled For, If You Ask Me

"Imma fart on ya pillow."

Whoa Nelly

him: Yea, you're a man of few words.
me: WOman.
him: Nah. It's Whoa man. Whoa don't jump off that. Whoa you can't do all those shots. Whoa you can't play with my bff's boobs.

Trained Bears

me: I'm at a trained bear show. I think I want one.
him: I don't think you've thought this through.

Bedside Manners

me: My ears hurt.
him: Stop putting flaming q-tips in them.

He's a Man's Man.

"I wish they hugged in the Marines."

Finders Keepers

me: Oh my. You're funny.
him: That's why you should keep me.

He Knows How to Woo a Woman

me: There is zero part of me interested in being married in Vegas.
him: Sooooo I guess that means you're not about getting a sham marriage?
me: Not so much.
him: Oh you and your morals.

Playing With Fire?

I received the following message while in a restaurant.
"There's a burning in my loins."


Two hours later:
me: ......um should I take care of that?
him: Nah, I was just sitting on the stove.

With This Ring, I Thee Wed....

"Can your wedding ring be made out of twist ties?"

Remind Me Not to Send Him to the Store to Buy These Ever.......

him: I don't think I would want to send anyone tampons. I wouldn't know what sizes to get.
me: I mean they don't really come in SIZES.
him: Well what do they come in?
me: Like light, regular, super, you know.
him: Super?? Like yayyyy I'm having a SUPER period?!
me: Yes....exactly like that....

Your Secret's Out Now...

"I say some weird stuff. I feel like I should send this to my family."

The Husband Pillow

him: I bought one of those pillows with arm things today. Best $7 I ever spent.
me: You mean a husband pillow?
him: NO. A pillow with arm things.
me: Well I guess yours could be a wife pillow.
him: No it couldn't. Because it doesn't whine or spend my money.

He's Even Pretty Funny Online...

him: PANTS!

me: SHIRT!

him: THONG

me: socks

him: you lose you forgot to use caps

me: that's because i was waiting for the sneak attack of STEEL TOED BOOTS

him: sneak attacks don't work after you lose

OnlineBootyCall.com

me: Love you! Sorry I ruined your Online Booty Call fun.
him: It's ok. It's better to have a good girlfriend than AIDS.

The Important Things

him: Why don't you like South Park?
me: I don't know, I just don't think it's funny. Why, is that a deal breaker?
him: It is.

I Thought Diamonds Were a Girl's Best Friend..

me: What's shakin'?
him: Buying things.
me: Ooh what are you buying me?
him: Tampons.

Good Morning!

via text at 7 am: "Woke up so drunk I tried to unlock my car with my phone. Went on a 4 mile run. Now I'm pooping. How are you?"

True Love

me: i'm going to start hanging out with people who are nice to me.
him: well then who would be my girlfriend?
me: i'm sure you could find someone to make fun of.
him: but you're the best
me: at being made fun of?
him: and at being my soulmate
me: aww i'm your soulmate?
him: you and jesus

What a Catch

me: how'd i luck out with you?
him: ....low standards?

Eggs

him: we should make eggs for breakfast.
me: i don't like eggs. but i'll still make them for you.
him: NO. you can't make eggs without love.

Another Reason a Balanced Diet is Important

On my being a picky eater:

"You know, I don't actually want to cheat on you but I think I want to make dinner for someone some day...with, you know, like a nice cobb salad or something."

Should Have Learned After the "Booyah"

me: I miss you.
him: Awwww. I miss me too.

Till Death Do Us Part

him: "Will you stand up for me when I'm your idiot husband?"

Baby Daddy

him: I'm pregnant.
me: We're rich!
him: How?
me: Pregnant man? I'm definitely selling the story to Oprah.
him: You will not be getting custody of the kids.

What's in a Name?

him: "If I have a daughter, I'm going to name her Amber."
me: "I don't like that name."
him: "Well her middle name will be 'the hulk'."

I Should Invest in a Snuggie

I woke up one night freezing, with goosebumps and teeth chattering and all that. This is the conversation that followed:

him: Are you cold?
me: I'm freezing.
him: Aw. Ok....now stay. (rolls over to the other side of the bed)

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder....

me: I miss you.
him: BOOYAH!