Dr. Phil

"I'm just communicating because that's what Dr. Phil says couples should do."

Good Thing I've Got Other Things Going For Me:

"You're the worst story teller ever."

A Reminder Not to Eat Too Much

"Easy there, hungry hungry hippo."

Job Security

me: I didn't know you were that desperate to get rid of me.
him: Nah, no man would ever get rid of someone who figured out how to mail cake.

I Don't Think This Is What Eurythmics Had In Mind...

me: Night, sweet dreams.
him: Night. And I hope you have nightmares.

Guess It's Time to Get Out in the Sun

"If we were any whiter, we'd be clear."

FDA Approved?

"I'm gonna start bleaching meat and telling you it's chicken to trick you into eating frollicking forest critters."

Sentimental Birthday Cards

me: Did you pick the card out or did your mom?

him: Mom. You'll know if it's me because it will have something odd like a dog bowl and a tomato.

Ms. New Booty

me: "Big Booty Hoes" just came on.
him: Aw. That's your jam.

Breakfast of Champions?

"Have you been eating whiteout again?"

What a Tender Moment

him: How are you?
me: Ok. Just grouchy. You?
him: Glad I'm several states away from your grouchy ass.

It's a Celebration

"I'm only getting you wine for Christmas."

Brownish Jeans

him: The first time I met you, you were wearing all brown.
me: No I wasn't. I was wearing jeans.
him: They were brownish jeans.

Manatees

me: I just had lunch with my mentees.
him: Your manatees?

Love Letters

me: Yea, so my students keep sneaking into my room and writing love notes on the chalkboard and signing your name at the bottom.
him: Man, I hope I can take credit for them....How do you know I didn't make them do it?