Dog Poop

him: I'm going to put a flaming bag of dog poop on your front porch.
me:.....uh, we're going to have the same front porch.
him: Good. I won't have to walk as far.

PeopleFax

me: So yea, I'm off my blood pressure meds now but I have to take an iron supplement.
him: Do lemon laws apply to you?

Morning Routines

"I'm actually blind until I have coffee."

Gift Giving at its Best

"Make sure you remind me when Mother's Day is so I can send flowers or ferrets or something."

Loving Stalkers

"I love you too...it would be odd if you didn't because then I'd just be a stalker."

Nuts

"And I'm not worried about you being crazy, I already know you're nuttier than a squirrel turd."

He's Definitely Getting the Better End of This Deal

me: You're the one who asked me to marry you.
him: I like clean clothes and my mom wouldn't let me move into the basement.

SOS

"Are you in church or something? You're not dead are you?"

Relationship Security

"I've seen you first thing when you wake up and I'm still here. I don't think you could frighten me away."

Mythical Things

"I won't get cancer. Everyone knows cancer is made up. Just like PMS, the g-spot and civil rights."

Equal Opportunity

"I think it would be fitting if you moved to the South and became a stripper."

Dr. Phil

"I'm just communicating because that's what Dr. Phil says couples should do."

Good Thing I've Got Other Things Going For Me:

"You're the worst story teller ever."

A Reminder Not to Eat Too Much

"Easy there, hungry hungry hippo."

Job Security

me: I didn't know you were that desperate to get rid of me.
him: Nah, no man would ever get rid of someone who figured out how to mail cake.